The Pruning

The day is cold and gray,
but the sun will shine when it’s
had time to cut through
the winter dense cloud cover;
sounds kinda like me:
daily tearing away chunks
of a wizened shredded heart;

Under the layers of winter grey,
the house seems pale and muted;
a home shut tight; a full trashcan
filled with memories like daffodil bulbs
sleeping; the only living thing in sight
is me, and I am dormant, too.

I am waiting for the sun to shine again,
to learn how to unfurl my heart in its warmth.
These days, neither long nor short, bright nor dark,
wet nor dry, fill me with a sadness I cannot name.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, a day of love
and chocolate. My father, born ninety-five years ago,
always bought red cardboard hearts full of truffles
for my mother, my sister and me. Now he is gone.
And you’re gone. And I am alone. Very.

This morning, the flicker of life left lonely in me
Is waiting, can be seen waiting, if you look closely enough,
Waiting for the warmth to come again,
And for the pruning to begin.
 

Reaching for God

Discipleship

by Beth Ann Lively on Monday, January 31, 2011 at 8:24pm

Below is one of my favorite passages. Verse 7, especially: "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."  This is what I would like to be able to say when I meet my Lord; but so far, it seems I have messed this up repeatedly.

One minute my faith is so strong, I hear the All Mighty God whispering to me; the next I am sobbing because something didn't go right, something else backfired, and I decide maybe the whole idea of a God is fluff.  No kidding.  As hard as that is to admit, I think I need to say it. I think I need to concede that even as I urge others to faith, I will often entertain doubt. . . I have so much fear and insecurity--just like most all of us who never knew the possibility, let alone the reality of unconditional love.

I have not changed a lot since I was a kid.  Others will tell you this with one of those smiles that means they find me quirky comic relief and so forgive my playfulness, so you will know what I say is true. One thing that has changed, though, is my understanding of God's love.  My personal experiences with His grace.   The perfect comfort of His unconditional, all encompassing love.

Only through brokenness have I come to experience His true nature--that He has always understood and loved me since before I left the womb; that He has no concept of time, so His love is always NOW; that He does not only forgive me my sins, my mistakes and petty feelings, my lost and lonely howls, but He understands why I did these things!!  He understands it all!

He gets me!  God the Almighty, the Maker of Heaven and Earth, of All Things Seen and Unseen, THAT GOD gets why I screamed at my mom and cried for an hour afterward; God of Abraham, God of Moses, THAT GOD gets why I kicked the washing machine, or slammed a door or cussed out the driver in front of me!  HE GETS IT!!!

His love is about getting us, about loving us just the way we are because He sees all the wonderful things each of us is--all those things we don't see while we stumble through this world that rarely reflects Him. He knows our hearts, He knows how difficult it is to keep our faith as we plow, or trudge, sob or rush through our days. He gets us and He loves us just the way we are.

So when it is my turn to walk into His outstretched arms, I know He will wrap those tremendous arms around me and whisper: "Beth, My Beth; you have fought the good fight, you have finished the race, you have kept the faith. Welcome home, child. Daddy's here."


II Timothy 4
 1 In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I give you this charge: 2 Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. 3 For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. 4 They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. 5 But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry.
 6 For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near. 7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8 Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his coming.

Although I keep getting older, growing up is an option!